A Major Switch, and things to consider.

No pun intended. I've been convinced that an English degree would be a better fit for me than Psychology, and it's true-- I don't have the patience to be a therapist, even for people like me. I remember in PHP feeling quite annoyed at some of the others in the MICA group who kept using, or used the educational part of the group for their own personal talk therapy. So, yeah. With English I can do so many things. I haven't yet decided on a minor, but IT should probably be it, considering that I've taken nearly 2 years worth of technical education.

I've been isolated since Mom left on Saturday, and I'm discovering that my meds need some heavy adjusting. I started upping my Seroquel dose (supposed to be 100mg, i'm taking 150) at bedtime because it stopped being a "get sleepy" drug at 100mg. I've been very agitated this week, too. Fidgety, twitchy, can't communicate well because I'm almost stuttering.

Had my first appt w/ a therapist at Strong today. As has been the norm ever since I went to the hospital, I was very agitated when seeing someone who can potentially diagnose me. This is what I know: I have Major Depressive Disorder, without doubt. I also have General Anxiety Disorder. But I feel like those two diagnoses are not the whole of what I experience in life. Speaking with this therapist at Strong, I mentioned to her that as I've been reading about Bipolar, I've started to think I may be BPII, or Soft Bipolar. But it could be that I think that because it's one of the "diagnosis of the day" like ADHD or Autism. I allow that could very well be the truth.

At the end of our appointment, she read something from the DSM-IV that rang many alarm bells in my head. She read some of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. I mean, look at the DSM characteristics:

Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.

3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting (I have to admit that although I've never been caught, I sometimes shoplift something small at a store when I'm already buying things (i.e. I could afford to buy the item)- it makes me feel so powerful.), reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.

It just goes on and on and on, and every word described me perfectly. But wait, there's more. There's also Avoidant Personality Disorder. Yet again, describing me so well. From the article: "Although it is not mentioned in the DSM-IV, earlier theorists have proposed a personality disorder which has a combination of features from borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder, called "avoidant-borderline mixed personality" (APD/BPD)." Things that make you go hmmmm, indeed.

I don't really want to self-diagnose, but I feel as if I need to be very clear about my symtpoms, and some most, or even all of those symptoms have just been part of who I am my whole life. That makes it difficult to pinpoint which parts of my personality have an MI. The truth is, my entire personality is an MI. So when I read about bipolar, it seemed as if it fit me. But now, as I read about these two personality disorders- AND as I consider the fact that I was diagnosed with one at a young age as well as on my military discharge papers....

I wonder if these disorders are the equivalent of a "psychic": I'll tell you some generic things that can in some way be attributed to everyone so the morons will believe in it. There's a name for that phenomenon but I forget what. Does everyone have a little BPD or APD in them?

Is that what I am? I kept pushing the bipolar because I know that MDD and GAD aren't my full diagnosis, and Bipolar struck me as a possibility. Now, I'm not so sure.

*edit* and, interestingly enough, DBT is known to be an effective counter to BPD.