Weighty Matters

Yesterday, I spoke with a dear friend. I can't remember the last time this friend sounded happy to hear from me. With others, she seems her cheerful self. I certainly bear much of the blame for this; my personality in the last 6/7 months has been nothing if not indisposed to friendship. When I tried to ask her about it last night, she snapped, "You're being paranoid." ...Am I? Perhaps.

I seem to be seeking out my friends to see if they really are going to be part of my support system. I'm finding more and more that I won't be able to rely on them. Oddly enough, one of the few people who has made the effort to ask me how I am is a bartender I met when I used to drink before going grocery shopping every week. She doesn't drink or use- I've kept her in the "safe" list. There are not many left in that list.

Today, I spoke with my mom. I told her of my thoughts of going to Brockport and getting my Psychology B.A. We talked for awhile about it; well, she did most of the talking. It was hard to hear what she had to say, because her delivery was, as with my friend yesterday, rather unnecessarily harsh and cold. We agreed it was probably not the best time to talk and got off the phone before someone's feelings got hurt. I'm still susceptible to harsh voices; would much rather be treated gently by those who care about me. Not as if I were about to break, but with a measure of compassion and empathy in the face of the turmoil that my life has become.

With some time (and vigorous bathtub scrubbing), I am able to better see her point. It is true that in the past when I make quick, life-changing decisions, I'm often running away from something else that's too hard. When things get difficult, I tend to want to give up rather than stick it out til the end.

So, is this another of those decisions that will end up being another failed - I mean, halfway committed choice? Well, let's look at what it means to stay at RIT, first.

Staying at RIT (Web Development) Pros
1) It's a more prestigious school than a state school.
2) It's familiar.
3) There are some aspects of Web Development that I love.
4) I have already committed 2.5 years and $20k to IT.

Staying at RIT (Web Development) Cons
1) There are more aspects of Web Development that I despise- namely traditional programming- than aspects that I love.
1a) I'm not like the other geeks - I have never tried to learn this on my own for fun. I am way behind their knowledge.
2) $30k+ per year.
3) I'm already struggling with the core classes- the concentration classes are going to demand a great deal of me.
3a) The quarter system is much more difficult than I expected.
3b) I am not used to being on the bottom of the totem pole in regards to intelligence and drive. I don't particularly care for the feeling. I want to be around normal people so I can shine. It makes me feel good. Being at RIT doesn't make me feel good.
4) Each setback and almost failure makes me want to stay less.
5) I just don't want to be a web developer anymore. I want to make websites and learn new things because I want to, not because it's my job and if I don't study all the time to keep up with it I'll get left behind.

Transferring to Brockport and changing my major to Psychology Pros
1) $4,500 a year!
2) I'll be smart again. I'll be around normal people. I'll feel good about myself.
3) I've come to realize that I'd much rather write papers than write a program.
4) In helping people like me, I can help save myself.
5) I want to help people like me.
6) It is possible to have a BA and the CASAC (credentialed alcohol and substance abuse counselor) and have work. I can do that while I get my master's.
7) Did I mention $4,500 a year? And being smart again? And helping people?
8) Oh, and it won't take me much longer than it would have to stay at RIT.

Transferring to Brockport and changing my major to Psychology Cons
1) It could be that I am running away from RIT because it started to get hard and I don't want to put forth that much effort.
2) I may come to regret my decision to not stick with RIT.
3) I may come to hate psychology as much as I do programming.
4) There is just as much continuing education for a counselor as there is for a programmer.
5) A year into it and I might beg to be able to write a program rather than write ANOTHER #*@)!*$# PAPER.

I've been a student my whole life. Is that such a bad thing? Maybe, maybe not. What I do know is that if I do this, I have to commit to seeing it through til the end. I truly think it can help me understand myself better. And I truly think this could be the fulfillment I've been looking for.

Or I could just be making a manic decision. The best part is- I can't tell if I am or not. Jokes on me, kids! "Oh hey, you're bipolar type II and oh by the way you'll never be able to trust your own decisions because they could be manic, impulse-driven and WRONG!"

Ain't life cool? I'm going to do a puzzle and listen to meditation music.